What keeps us from experiencing authentic relationships?
by Larry Kreider
Enjoy this chapter taken from the book The Cry for Spiritual Fathers and Mothers
One Saturday morning my six-year-old daughter Leticia begged me to make her pancakes for breakfast. Her mother and sisters were gone for the morning, and she was stuck with me as the potential cook for the family. With my cooking skills being what they are, I pleaded with her, “Please, Leticia, couldn’t you just eat cereal today?” She persisted, so I obliged. Half asleep, I read the instructions incorrectly, and the end product looked unfit for human consumption! I asked her again to please eat cereal. She again staunchly persisted. She really had her heart set on pancakes. I tried again, but this time the oil in the pan caught on fire! We actually had to later repaint the blackened spot the fire left on the ceiling. It was not a good start to the day.
“Please try again, Daddy,” Leticia implored me with her big blue eyes. How could I resist? I decided just to ignore the instructions. This time, without following the recipe on the side of the box, I got milk and eggs out of the refrigerator and began to mix any ingredients I could find that I thought would work. Amazingly enough, the concoction looked edible. With a glimmer of hope, I slid the golden pancakes onto a plate. I poured on lots of syrup and placed the plate in front of Leticia. She took one bite of my freshly made pancakes, looked up at me with a mixture of despair and disappointment in her eyes and said, “Daddy, may I have cereal, please?”
Leticia grew tired of watching her daddy try to make pancakes over and over again without producing edible results. She eventually gave up and decided to go back to something “safe” and easy—cereal! Today, I meet people throughout the body of Christ who have given up on spiritual parenting because of complicated and unpredictable situations that have come up in these relationships. Any person who is a natural parent knows that raising healthy children has its difficulties. Parents do not bring their children to a place of maturity without some mishaps along the way.
Sometimes spiritual fathers and mothers, and sons and daughters as well, find themselves in discordant relationships—and quit. It is not that the spiritual parents did not try. Perhaps they interpreted the scriptural directions incorrectly, and the relationship with their son or daughter flopped. Or maybe a spiritual son or daughter was mentored by a spiritual parent who sought to control rather than encourage. These relationships will finally blow up because they are unhealthy. Yet, giving up entirely on all spiritual parenting relationships because some do not work is like ‘throwing the baby out with the bath water!’
Not living by the manufacturer’s instructions
I believe the church today is filled with people who want to be spiritual parents. They have the desire to influence the future by passing on a godly legacy, but they find themselves unable to do so. You could say these people are not living according to the manufacturer’s instructions. Hurts from the past, sin, insecurities or dysfunctional role models stunt them spiritually and prevent them from reaching out to others.
People tend to get off track spiritually. I remember playing with a model electric train as a child. Time and time again the train would round a corner and fly off the track, lying helpless on its side, spinning its wheels. It could not possibly get back on the tracks without outside help. It was only when I picked up the train and gently set it on the tracks that it could run again. When we get derailed spiritually, our Father God will pick us up and place us back on track if we will allow Him to do so. Only then can we arrive at the destination that God intended for us. The Lord is a great Redeemer. He wants to heal our hurts and help us recover what Satan has tried to steal.
Not believing the past can be redeemed and restored
The genealogy of Jesus is given in the first chapter of Matthew. Why is this long list of names included in God’s Word? It was included for a number of reasons, one of those being that it demonstrates how important people, specifically families, are to God. It also shows that a family can learn from both the successes and failures of its members.
Jesus’ genealogy includes Rahab, a former prostitute who delivered the wicked city of Jericho to the Israelites. Her salvation is evidence that God redeems and restores future generations when even one individual turns to God in faith. Even an ungodly family member can be redeemed and the entire next generation can be turned to the Lord.
We must build on the shoulders of those who have gone before us, regardless of the mistakes they may have made. We need to live in a posture of praise to the Lord for those who birthed us and nourished us both naturally and spiritually. We have to purpose in our hearts that, by the grace of God, we will be a positive influence on the next generation.
God wants families to pass on a blessing to the next generation. The Bible gives a record of the rich inheritance of relationships passed down through the generations. God honors and places importance on a family’s lineage because each family has a unique story. The people included in Jesus’ genealogy had a part in seeing Jesus trained and fathered for thirty years on earth. God the Father put Jesus on loan to Joseph and Mary so they could train him. Jesus’ “foster” father, Joseph, trained him in a carpenter’s shop. In order for Joseph to father his Son Jesus obediently, there had to be faithful individuals in his lineage who passed on a legacy of training. The life of Jesus was influenced by previous generations that had a direct bearing on His ministry.
In the same way, if we are to pass on an “inheritance” to others, we must receive a spiritual blessing from generations past. We need healthy spiritual fathers and mothers to deposit a rich inheritance into spiritual sons and daughters.
Spiritual parents should expect their spiritual children to grow far beyond them spiritually, just as Jesus expected His followers to go further than He did as explained in this verse: “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do” (John 14:12). Jesus knew His followers would have an even greater scope of ministry than He had. Thousands of converts would be produced in the first century of the church and make a deep impression on mankind. God is a Father who expects His children of each generation to pass on a spiritual inheritance that has an increasingly far-reaching effect and scope.
Not passing on what God has given us.
If spiritual blessings are not passed on to our spiritual children, the next generation is in danger of losing everything. When God’s people took possession of the Promised Land, they served the Lord as long as the leaders set good examples for them and gave them godly instructions. But when Joshua and the elders of that generation died, the children of Israel forgot the mercies of God to Israel: “When all that generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation arose after them who did not know the Lord nor the work which He had done for Israel” (Judges 2:10, NKJV).
Apparently, Joshua and the elders had not trained others to inherit and then pass on a spiritual legacy. Without spiritual fathers to remind them of what the Lord had done for them when He brought them out of Egypt, the people turned away from God. They no longer remembered or cared about the nation’s covenant to obey the law of the Lord. A spiritual legacy was lost to the next generation because no one had trained them to train others, which is the essence of spiritual parenting.
Not being willing to release
After Jesus rose from the dead and just before He ascended into heaven, He encouraged His disciples to take on the responsibility of His Church. Jesus set an example for us to release our spiritual children to “go and do it” (for a discussion of the model Jesus set for us, see chapter 9). We need not be afraid of taking this step!
When Jesus sent out the seventy-two, He exclaimed upon their return, “I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven” (Luke 10:18). Jesus witnessed His ministry, multiplied to seventy-two, confounding the work of the enemy. And lest we forget, Jesus promised that we would do greater works than He had done (see John 14:12). What are the greater works? We can only find out if we follow His example and release our spiritual sons and daughters.
In his book Disciple, Juan Carlos Ortiz says leaders must know how to release their people so they can grow spiritually:
But do you know what happens in the modern church? We pastors stop somewhere along the way; we know how to administrate, to help, to have some healings, or even teach—but then we stop moving. We become corks. The sheep grow and grow and start jamming up behind us, unable to grow further until we grow some more ourselves. They keep listening to our sermons, and soon they know everything we know, and then we have nothing but a pressure chamber.
The pastor is not a cork intentionally; he is a victim of the structure like everyone else. It’s always been done that way. If the pressure becomes great enough, the pastor gets uncomfortable enough to ask the bishop for a transfer. So, the bishop takes out one cork and replaces him with another!
If it is a congregational denomination that doesn’t have bishops, the problem is even worse. The pressure keeps building until the channel finally explodes and the cork flies out! He gets really banged up in the explosion, of course, sometimes so badly that he can no longer continue in the ministry.
All this is avoided, of course, if the pastor keeps on growing to apostleship and the sheep keep growing right behind him.
If a pastor is truly a father to his congregation, he cannot be changed (or exploded) every two or three years. What family changes fathers every two years? Maybe our churches are more like clubs that elect presidents for a certain term and then elect someone else. But if we are family, we are a family, we stay together. The father keeps turning over responsibility to his sons [and daughters] as they grow.1
A normal parent encourages his or her children to go and establish their own homes. Only a dysfunctional parent would keep grown children at home when it is actually time for them to marry and build a home of their own. In the same way, any spiritual leader who uses the people he or she should be serving to fulfill his or her own personal vision is dysfunctional. That leader is not functioning as a proper leader. Sadly, there are many in the church who find themselves confused because they have been hurt in the past by this kind of leadership.
As a teenager, my son Josh was responsible to mow the lawn each week. But mowing our lawn, in other words, working for me, was not the reason the Lord gave him to me! Rather, he was being consistently trained so that he would be motivated take responsibility for his own home in the future. When we pass on a healthy legacy to our spiritual children, they will be motivated to do the same.
Waiting until our needs are met
The Scriptures tell us, “Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days” (Ecclesiastes 11:1). When you reach out to parent another, it may look like you are throwing away your chance to have your own needs met. However, when we sow into other’s lives, we are promised a return. After having experienced the lack of a spiritual father in my life for about ten years, I made the decision to be a spiritual father to others. Amazingly enough, as I reached out to others and became a spiritual father to them, the Lord brought spiritual fathers into my life as well.
The Lord is a great Redeemer. He is waiting for us to stand up and be used even though we still have a lot to learn. God will take us as we are and use us. We cannot afford to stunt our spiritual growth and languish on the sidelines. We may as well give ourselves room to make some mistakes, because chances are high that we are going to make them.
Do you know any natural parents who have not made any mistakes? Of course not! Yet, God gives grace to parents who place their faith and confidence in Him. The Lord will be there to cover the blunders you may make as a spiritual parent.
We can make a difference for generations to come if we break the curse of the past and move on to model Jesus’ example of spiritual parenting. A negative parenting role model or lack of a role model is no excuse for us to pass on bad parenting. God is a Father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5). He loves us and will teach us to be healthy parents. As we pour our lives into people and love them with the love of Jesus, we will begin to model positive family patterns.
Other hindrances
Ignorance keeps many from becoming spiritual fathers or mothers. Many dedicated Christian believers have either never heard of spiritual parenting or do not understand it. Paul told the church at Athens that God overlooks ignorance, but when the truth is made known, people need to repent and change their ways: “Truly, these times of ignorance God overlooked, but now commands all men everywhere to repent” (Acts 17:30). Today’s church needs to wake up to the need for spiritual parenting. When we finally understand that God is a God of families and wants each person to be a spiritual dad or mom to others, we understand spiritual fathering. No longer ignorant, we are now responsible!
I was teaching on the truths of spiritual parenting and small group ministry in a certain church when a young lawyer came to me after the meeting. He said enthusiastically, “I want to be a spiritual parent. It all makes sense. I can do that! I can be a spiritual father to a small group of people who want to grow in God.” I encouraged him to speak to his pastor about his desire to serve in this way.
I later told his pastor of this young man’s enthusiasm. The pastor said with a big smile, “I’ve been trying to get him to lead a small group for a long time!” At last, the young man had his spiritual eyes opened to spiritual parenting. He had received a revelation of spiritual parenting from the Lord.
Jesus asked His disciples: “Who do men say that I, the Son of Man, am?”
Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”
Jesus then told Peter clearly: “…flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but My Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 16:13,16,17).
In the same way that Peter received a revelation from his Father in heaven, we each need a revelation from the Lord regarding spiritual parenting. Without that, we might just set up a new “spiritual parenting program.” Becoming a spiritual father or mother is a lifelong mission, not a new church program.
The young lawyer I referred to came to realize that he did not have to start a program, but he could simply become a “dad.” He had faith in his heart to accomplish it, being aware that dads learn by trial and error as they have kids of their own. He did not have to be perfect, but he would learn along the way. The young lawyer’s pastor became a mentor to him—a spiritual father and friend. The new spiritual father learned the truth about parenting, repented of his previous ignorance and responded to the need.
Lack of a good role model could hinder your own confidence in being a spiritual parent. The absence of a spiritual father or mother in your own life may cause you to sit on the sidelines, because you have no idea how to parent. Perhaps you never had a natural parent or a spiritual parent to guide you, and you now believe that without a father or mother figure in your own life you can never be a parent to someone else.
Many years ago, I read Raising a Modern-Day Knight: A Father’s Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood. The author, Robert Lewis, tells how he grew up with a dad who was drunk much of the time. He had a father positionally, but emotionally his father was not involved in his life. Yet the author refused to allow his painful childhood to be an excuse not to be a good father to his own children. When he came to Christ and later had children of his own, he made a commitment to train a whole new generation of fathers to train their sons for God. Today, as a writer and pastor, he uses his platform to explain how the curse of a dysfunctional family can be broken when a person comes to Christ and walks in freedom. Like this example of a deprived son turned generous father, you must press on by faith and overcome. You can demonstrate a better way to your children. You must not allow your perceptions to be distorted or your future to be determined by poorly modeled examples.
Remember, God is a perfect Father! He is the model of a Father who loves you perfectly and believes the best about you. No matter what you have experienced, you are accepted and loved by your heavenly Father.
Distractions prevent some believers from becoming spiritual parents. As Christians we can get so caught up in making a living, taking our kids to soccer games and participating in civic organizations that it seems as if there is no time left to be spiritual parents. These everyday activities, instead, could actually be opportunities for intentional relationship-building. For example, you already have common interests with the other parents who are sitting in the stands and watching their children play sports. Those common interests and time spent together can be a starting place for both evangelism and spiritual parenting.
As parents, Todd and Marie admit that it is difficult to balance busy schedules that are filled with sports activities. They spend hours watching their children play baseball, soccer, basketball, and football. Over the years, they developed close friendships with other parents and have invited several non-Christian families into their home. However, when their son Seth was diagnosed with cancer, he could no longer participate in baseball. In the process, they lost contact with these other parents.
The friendship with one family was quickly revived when that family’s son was also diagnosed with cancer. Todd and Marie ended up in their living room praying over their son. Todd explains it like this. “Our relationship started back in Little League baseball, but now we have connected on a much deeper level. No matter where we are, we have opportunities to mentor someone else. Our relationships with others might not always be titled ‘spiritual parenting.’ They might just be natural friendships. But as we keep our eyes focused on Jesus and keep sports in their proper place, our spiritual eyes stay open to opportunities to minister.”
More than forty years ago, Floyd McClung and his wife, Sally, decided to intentionally disciple others. Floyd explained that the relationships they formed were not just to “bless them, or love them or build relationships with them—but to disciple them.” The McClungs witnessed abundant fruit from their labors. For example, thirty-eight churches grew out of one small group of leaders they discipled. One woman whom they discipled started a Bible study with prostitutes in the Red Light District in Amsterdam. Her Bible study grew into a church with more than one thousand people who in turn planted numerous other churches.
The McClungs’ amazing results from discipleship were not without personal sacrifices. Floyd said, “Our commitment to make disciples meant saying no to many other attractive opportunities and invitations. We are convinced after forty-five years of ministry that it is the most crucial ministry decision we ever made.”
Apathy is another reason for a lack of spiritual parenting today. When people become wrapped up in their own lives and selfish desires, they become apathetic to the things of God.
As we repent of apathy in Jesus’ name, the Lord will give us grace and wisdom to take others with us as we go about our daily lives. Jesus called His disciples first and foremost “to be with Him” (Mark 3:14). Our spiritual sons and daughters learn much more by watching us live our lives in Christ than by listening to our sermons. It is easier than you think to accommodate others into your daily activities. How about if you are going to play golf? Take your spiritual son along! If you are going shopping, take one of your spiritual daughters with you. I seldom travel alone. I value the time I have with various spiritual sons whom I invite to join me on trips throughout the world.
Insecurity may tempt a person to think, “How could God ever use me? I do not know how to be a spiritual parent. I’m afraid. I don’t know the Bible well enough. I need to get my life together first.” If you feel this way, you have a lot of company.
Moses told the Lord he could not speak properly. Jeremiah told the Lord he was too young. Joshua was afraid, and the Lord kept reassuring him that He would be with him just as He was with his “father,” Moses. Gideon thought he was brought up in the wrong family. The list goes on and on.
Maybe you did not go to seminary or Bible school, but the little you know is certainly more than the spiritual baby in Christ you are reaching out to knows. Even Paul the Apostle admitted to the Corinthian church that he had a deep sense of his own weaknesses that caused him to feel fearful and inadequate: “And I, brethren, when I came to you, did not come with excellence of speech or of wisdom declaring to you the testimony of God…I was with you in weakness, in fear, and in much trembling” (1 Corinthians 2:1,3). Nevertheless, Paul goes on to declare that although his speech was not persuasive, the power of the Holy Spirit was in his words.
2 Timothy 1:7 says it another way: “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” If we allow insecurities to paralyze us, we will never move beyond our comfort zones. However, if we trust God, He will allow us to use our gifts and even increase them so that we can better help others. He will give us courage and resolution. God’s love will always win over the fear of man.
Impatience will cause us to quit when we don’t see quick results. Believing we will have instant success is contrary to the scriptural principle of sowing and reaping. It is often hard work for spiritual fathers or mothers to nurture and train spiritual babies until the time when they learn to take care of themselves and eventually become spiritual parents. It may take time for your vision for your children to be fulfilled.
It would help to remember that there are three stages to the fulfillment of any vision, including the vision to become an effective spiritual parent: 1) the honeymoon stage, 2) the testing stage when you feel like quitting, and 3) the fruitfulness stage.
The Bible is filled with examples of those who started with an exciting vision, refused to quit during the trial stage, and then experienced great fruitfulness. The story of Joseph is one of the best. After having a dream that his brothers would bow down to him, he encountered trial after trial. Joseph was sold as a slave by his brothers, falsely accused by his employer’s wife, imprisoned while innocent, forgotten in prison… and yet he became second in command of all of Egypt—overnight! He entered the stage of great fruitfulness as he refused to give up during the hard season of his life.
God used the stage of trials in Joseph’s life to make him into the man of character He had called him to be. He could then be a blessing to his brothers who had treated him so wrongly just a few years before. Joseph passed the test! Unfortunately, many quit during the testing period and never experience the stage of fruitfulness the Lord has planned for them. Remember, getting through the testing process helps shape us into people who can accomplish what God has called us to do.
The Lord is much more concerned about what He is doing in you than about you reaching your final goal in your spiritual parenting relationship. He wants you to depend on Him and on His power in the here and now. Oswald Chambers once said, “If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish—His purpose is the process itself.”2 The Lord is calling us to complete dependency on Him as we persevere in our parenting relationships.
Fear, especially fear of making mistakes, may hinder us from answering the call to become spiritual parents. But you can trust that your efforts will be blessed if you take the risk, even if you trip up in the process. Bob Mumford once said, “I do not trust anyone unless he walks with a limp.” I often feel the same way about those whom I meet. Jacob, after wrestling with the Lord and demanding His blessing, was touched in his thigh and received the Lord’s blessing. From that day on, he walked with a limp. When God lovingly deals with us in the difficult times, we walk with a spiritual limp the rest of our lives. This is the stuff true spiritual parents are made of.
When I was young, I thought I had all the answers. Now, at seventy-one, I realize how much I do not know. I am totally convinced that if God does not show up, it is all over for me! Being totally dependent on the Lord is such a good place to be.
After denying Jesus, Peter experienced His complete acceptance and forgiveness. In this process, he lost his abrasiveness and became a true father in the faith. In fact, Peter became an apostle of the New Testament church. He now “walked with a limp.”
We may make our share of mistakes while parenting. But we dare not become weary. Sometimes you may find yourself doing all the right things, but problems still arise. When that happens, you may be tempted to go back to something easier than dealing with the shortcomings of humanity. Spiritual mothering and fathering is not easy, but it is rewarding.
Even Jesus dealt with problems while fathering the twelve. They all left Him in the Garden of Gethsemane. He felt alone and forsaken. But He knew the last chapter was not yet written! Fifty days later, Peter stood with the eleven and preached at Pentecost, and three thousand people came to faith in Christ. The New Testament church began to grow exponentially.
urts from the past hinder some from developing into a spiritual father or mother. I have heard many people say, “I tried to be a spiritual dad to someone, and I was hurt. I don’t want to be hurt again.” Whether we like it or not, getting hurt is often part of the spiritual parenting job description.
If you are a natural parent, you will know that you sometimes experience pain and disappointment as you raise your kids. With spiritual kids, taking initiative requires taking risks. Your spiritual children may not always like what you have to say. They may become tiresome or forget appointments. They may sometimes act as if they don’t care. Those things are all part of the parenting experience. God Himself was abandoned by one-third of his “staff” when Lucifer rebelled and was thrown out of heaven. (See Revelation 12:3-4.)
The apostle Paul, who was a spiritual father to many, tells us that his spiritual children abandoned him when he was in a real pinch. He had to appear before the emperor, and the Christians at Rome were afraid, so they deserted him: “At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them” (2 Timothy 4:16). Paul could have been deeply hurt by the abandonment of his followers, but he chose to not count it against them.
Natural and spiritual children have the potential to give you the greatest joy and the greatest pain. The inconsistent or irritating behavior in your spiritual children may come from a deep struggle to overcome stubborn sins. Don’t give up just yet. Look beyond the superficial symptoms and be willing to challenge your spiritual children to face their problems—and then lay them at the foot of the cross. After all, their problems are God’s problem. Trust God to raise His child in His way.
You may have some discouraging and frustrating times as a spiritual parent, but through them you will learn to lean wholly on the Lord. Trust Him to take the pain of yesterday and any pain that lies ahead and shape it for His glory. The last chapter in your son’s or daughter’s life has not yet been written. Through consistent, loving cultivation, spiritual fathering and mothering will bear an ongoing legacy of fruit.
Abuse of authority can warp the entire concept of spiritual fathering and mothering. Godly spiritual fathers and mothers are not dominating authority figures that coerce their children into submission. They must tread lightly as they point their spiritual children to Jesus. I like how Floyd McClung describes the much needed balance in the area of spiritual fathering and mothering in his book The Father Heart of God:
Godly fathers want to serve others, and treat all men and women as their equals. Their actions proceed from an attitude of equality, not authority, because they are more concerned with serving than ruling.
Biblical authority is never taken; it is offered…It comes from the anointing of God’s Spirit and is the sum total of one’s character, wisdom, spiritual gift, and servant attitude. Fathers in the Lord understand these principles about authority. They know the character of the Father, so they are relaxed in their ministry to other people…they have learned to take action as God directs, and not just because they are “the leader.”3
Healthy spiritual parents earn the right to speak into their sons’ or daughters’ lives because they do so with the heart of a servant, affirming and encouraging them in their walk with Christ. A level of trust is built over time in a balanced relationship that encourages sons and daughters to be dependent on God.
What hinders you?
Think about your own life. What are some of the things that hinder you from becoming a spiritual father or mother? If you find yourself in one of the categories explained above, don’t sit passively by. Endeavor to do what it takes to become a spiritual father or mother. You can help fill the desperate need. You can pass on to your natural and spiritual children a spiritual legacy and have a continuing impact on future generations.
In the next chapter we will look at how our Lord is restoring His people. He is placing the “burned stones” back on His wall of service as healed, completely functional and restored spiritual parents.
Notes
1 Juan Carlos Ortiz, Disciple (Florida: Creation House, 1975), 97.
2 Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Discovery House, 1992), July 28.
3 Floyd McClung, The Father Heart of God (Eugene, Oregon: Harvest House Publishers, 1985), 129-131.
The next generation needs you to be a spiritual mentor!
You 
are meant to be a mentor. You probably have more “friends” than ever—once you tally up all your social networking connections. But virtual relationships alone can’t meet the next generation’s desperate need for spiritually mature women and men to mentor younger believers to be faithful servants of Christ.
The Cry for Spiritual Fathers and Mothers, written by seasoned disciple and Christian leadership trainer, Larry Kreider, will give you the proven biblical keys you need to become a godly mentor. Discover why spiritual mother- and fatherhood is every believer’s calling, and find out how to nurture a spiritual family that expands the kingdom of God.
