It is easy to cross lines that should not be crossed in relationships. But has anyone ever really explained what some of those lines are?
It is very easy to cross lines that should not be crossed in relationships. But has anyone ever really explained what some of those lines are? Most likely not.
This article is specifically for leaders who find it confusing when complimented on their looks, clothes, message, or ministry—or the one who needs to provide counsel to those who are in such a situation. How does one respond those who offer compliments, especially if they are coming from an attractive woman?* How can you avoid reading more into those words that are so flattering and meant specifically for you?
*Note: If you are a female, substitute the masculine gender references and apply these principles as appropriate.
What to Avoid
Behavior that should be avoided:
- Meeting alone with a woman in your office. No matter how professional you think you are, no one is above being tempted by the evil one. Your heart and the heart of your counselee may be perfectly pure, but the enemy of your soul is fully impure. All this person would need to do to bring you down would be to leave your office and claim inappropriateness. You would very quickly understand the saying “guilty until proven innocent.” Such an episode can literally bring an end to your ministry. Rather than meeting alone, require your female counselee to bring a friend. If she does not, grab a coworker from your office (that she is comfortable with) to sit in with you.
- Not being prepared for an appointment. Instead, pay attention to how you are dressed, how much cologne you wear, and what language you will use. Any of these cues that are out of place can give subtle messages that you may not intend to communicate.
- Engaging in touch. Every touch means something. Do not hold her hand, stroke her arm or hug her to “comfort” her. Even teenage women can be confused by your touch. Yes, people need touch and yes, they need hugs, but not in an environment of vulnerability.
- Being cornered in a building or room alone for a private conversation with the opposite sex. This, too, is dangerous. Make sure others are around and that both of you are visible.
- Visiting an opposite sex congregant alone. If you are visiting a home and discover that her husband or roommate is not there, do not enter the threshold of that house.
- Riding alone in a car with a woman who is not your wife or relative. Do your best to avoid this. If it cannot be avoided, at least ask your passenger to sit in the back seat.
- Being careless with your compliments. Refrain from making compliments about hair, clothing, and appearance in general (especially body shape). Compliments to a child or a senior can be appropriate.
- Fantasizing or dreaming about that person. These imaginary contacts can actually prepare you for your next connection in a very unhealthy way.
- Dwelling on compliments. When you are approached and complimented by that certain woman, politely thank her and move on from the conversation. Do not probe further into why she is complimenting you or how she feels about you. When that compliment turns into something like, “Oh, pastor, you’re looking good today” or “Have you been working out lately?” laugh it off and change the subject as soon as you can.
- Lingering too long. If you find yourself attracted or see signs of attraction, move away from the situation spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
As a leader, you are more than your feelings and thoughts; you are committed to righteousness. Make it a point to keep up with an accountability partner that you can confess to and pray with. Make Psalm 19:14 your prayer. “May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.” Pursue integrity and a proper fear of God.
You have a two-fold focus when it comes to relationships with the opposite sex: God and your spouse (if you are married). The book of Proverbs reminds us to drink water from our own cistern (Proverbs 5:15).
You are complete in the Lord (see Colossians 2:10). You do not need another opposite-sex relationship in your life to bring you security or esteem.
The fear of the Lord will protect us from these traps. As we walk in the proper fear of God, we will only desire to obey Him and be faithful to our spouse.
- Proverbs 1:7 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”
- Proverbs 9:10 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”
- Proverbs 14:26 “In the fear of the Lord there is strong confidence, and His children will have a place of refuge.”
“I’ve told you this ahead of time, before it happens, so that when it does happen, the confirmation will deepen your belief in me. I’ll not be talking with you much more like this because the chief of this godless world is about to attack. But don’t worry—he has nothing on me, no claim on me. But, so the world might know how thoroughly I love the Father, I am carrying out my Father’s instructions right down to the last detail. Get up. Let’s go. It’s time to leave here” (John 14:30, The Message).
I love how Jesus expressed confidence in this passage that the enemy “has nothing on me.” May the enemy of your soul have nothing on you as you determine to walk in integrity, high moral character, accountability, the fear of the Lord, and eyes only for one woman—your wife!
(Thanks to Joe McKeever for inspiration on some of the thoughts above.)
